


Parenting Rules

by MimeticEternity



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Arguing like a married-couple, Dialogue, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Much-needed humor to balance out that angst, Murder Husbands, spoilers for the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 02:59:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5400329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MimeticEternity/pseuds/MimeticEternity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannibal and Will would like to adopt a child and start a new life - Will lays down some ground rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parenting Rules

**Author's Note:**

> This is just some light-hearted, cracky banter between our favorite Murder Husbands. I hope you enjoy!

_Rule #1: No teacups allowed in the house. Ever._

  
_Rule #2: The only mushrooms allowed around the child are in Mario Kart.  
_

Hannibal: "It was _one_ time-"  
  
Will: "She was high as hell and it's not happening again."

 

 _Rule #3: In the case of a seizure, Hannibal is to immediately take the child out of the room, **not** continue going about his business because he "said it was mild_ _."_

Hannibal: "For the love of everything, it was _ONE_ time-"

Will: "Hush!"  
  
Hannibal: "Are you ever going to let this go-"  
  
Will: "Nope."

 

_Rule #4: In the case of encephalitis, Hannibal is to immediately take Will to the hospital, **not** sit down with the child and pretend that they're all having a good time drawing funny clocks together._

 

Hannibal: "...Sounds fair."  
  
Will: "Thank you."

 

 _Rule #5: The child is to be taught **proper**  self-defense - another Nicholas Boyle incident will not be acceptable._  
  
  
Hannibal: "Her life was in danger."

Will: "No, it wasn't!"

Hannibal: "And how would you know?"

Will: "Because you helped her hide the body!"  _sigh_ "Anyway, Rule #- Hey! Give me back the pen!"

Hannibal: "I do believe this child will also be mine, which means that I get to have some rules of my own."

Will: "You're the reason we're having rules in the first place!"

 

 _Rule #6: There are to be no foods in the household that are of the processed, packaged, canned, or artificial variety, including but certainly not limited to microwave dinners, cup noodles, canned soup, instant coffee-_  
  
  
Will: "Woah woah woah! Now you can take the microwave dinners and the cup noodles, but stay the hell away from my coffee."

Hannibal: "That's not  _real_ coffee, Will."

Will: "I don't care what it is, you can't have it."

Hannibal: "Fine, but everything else goes."

Will: *grumble grumble*

 

 _Rule #7: Will and the child are not to be within ten feet of any kind of cliff or high ledge._  
  
  
Will: "...You bastard."

 

_Rule #8: No foul language around the child._

  
Will: "You know what, you can shove your 'foul language' right up your-"

Hannibal: "Now, now, love, how about a compromise? I'll let you write the next rule in exchange for your giving up your fake food and sailor mouth."

Will: "...Fine."

 

 _Rule #9: No antler/deer-themed decorations are allowed in the house._  
  
  
Hannibal: "But what about the beautiful stag statue in my office?"

Will: "I do believe that counts as a deer-themed decoration, Hannibal."

Hannibal: "But I killed Tobias with that statue. For you, Will. Please, may I keep it? I promise to keep it out of sight."

Will: "Fine. But if I see it, Tobias won't be the only one dead because of it."

Hannibal: "I don't doubt it, dear. Now, for the most important rule of all:"

 

_Rule #10: The child will **always** be our highest priority. Our lives shall always be dedicated to their care, happiness, and overall well-being. We will not let anything stand between us and our solemn duty as fathers. And no matter what happens, we will always love our child._

  
  
Will: "Now that's a rule I can agree with."

 


End file.
